before sunrise

I feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood…and not making it look like my whole life is revolving around some guy.But loving someone and being loved means so much to me.
Isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?
Sometimes I dream about being a good father and a good husband. And sometimes I feel really close. But then other times… it seems silly like it would ruin my whole life. And it’s not just a fear of commitment or that I’m incapable of caring or loving because I can.
It’s just that, if I’m totally honest with myself.. I think I’d rather die knowing that I was really good at something.
That I had excellent in some way…than that I had just been in a nice ,caring relationship.
I had worked for this old man, and once he told me that he had spent all of his life thinking about his career and his work. He was 52, and it suddenly struck him that he had never really given anything of himself. His life was for no one and nothing. He was almost crying say that.
You know. I believe if there’s any kind of GOD…it wouldn’t be in any of us, not you or me… but just little space in between. If there is any kind of magic in this world…. It must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something.
I know it’s almost impossible to succeed …but who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt.

I am aware of a lot of things from their conversation. Can't picture the FULL feeling but I will try to figure out.(2006.10.26-10:34AM)

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To think about all roles I played or I am playing.....

2006.12.28

There was this famous writer--I don't remember who--who said the ideal relationship was two intense years, with clean breaks, fresh starts, friends for life, something like that. It's like if you knew your relationship had to end in two years, there would be no room for fighting or wasted time. There could be more love and appreciation for one another. It's like, if everyone you met you knew was going to die at midnight, you would be a much more compassionate person. I mean, everyone's going to die, but since no one knows when, there's all the time in the world to be assholes to one another.

AMY:

"...It's like if you knew your relationship had to end in two years, there would be no room for fighting or wasted time. There could be more love and appreciation for one another. It's like, if everyone you met you knew was going to die at midnight, you would be a much more compassionate person. ..."

I am so... touched by whis "IDEAL" relationship. And...I am aware of that...I treat all IMPORTANT relationships for mylife in this way. So- called FOREVER LOVE maybe not for time but the meaning for life.
My grandmother die at the year I had the opperation accident. I went through a VERY SPECIAL period of life. I lost my walking ability and someone I love and who loved me a lot as well. I don't know if she had a 'happy' life....?... But I know... she doesn't have a NICE/KIND relationship with grandpa. I don't know how to define their relationship...and SURE... I AM NOT ABLE To define it.
I saw a lot of people cring for her. BUT I... I just stopped myself crying for her. But... for me.... tears can't express my feeling of lost. kind of EMPTY for the position she had taken in my life. I carry her in my hear... even now.... I miss her a lot.

My life..... there is something missed at the year... so-called saddness ...take away part of my childish.

2007-01-04


But for some people, there are no real good-byes. I think if you have a meaningful experience with someone else, a true communication, they are with you forever in a way.
We are all a part of each other in ways, we'll never know.